Over-Apologizing: Strategies to End the Pattern
Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.
Public Speaking and Inquiring
This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.
Accepting Myself
I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that counseling might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.
Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.
Exploring the Causes
A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become harmful in adulthood.
In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You know it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.
The Role of Therapy
When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to explore and embrace who you are.
Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.
Actionable Tips
Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and worry.
Even thinking things through can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.
This journey will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.
